I hate the letter “S”
By Abigail Mack, who was accepted to Harvard/Yale/Princeton and attended Harvard, Class 2025
I hate the letter “S”. Of the 164,777 words with “S,” I only grapple with one. To condemn an entire letter because of its use .0006 percent of the time sounds statistically absurd, but that one case changed 100 percent of my life. I used to have two parents, but now I have one, and the “S” in ‘parents’ isn’t going anywhere.
“S” follows me. I can’t get through a day without being reminded that while my friends went out to dinner with their parents, I ate with my parent. As I write this essay, there is a blue line under the word ‘parent’ telling me to check my grammar; even Grammarly assumes that I should have parents, but cancer doesn’t listen to edit suggestions. I won’t claim that my situation is as unique as one in 164,777, but it is still an exception to the rule — an outlier. The world isn’t meant for this special case.
The world wouldn’t abandon “S” because of me, so I tried to abandon “S.” I could get away from “S” if I stayed busy: you can’t have dinner with your “parent” (thanks again Grammarly) if you are too busy to have family dinner. Any spare time that I had, I filled. I became known as the “busy kid,” the one that everyone always asks “how do you have time?” Morning meetings, classes, afternoon meetings, volleyball practice, dance class, rehearsal in Boston, homework, sleep, repeat.
Though my specific schedule has changed over time, the business has not. I couldn’t fill the loss that the “S” left in my life, but I could at least make sure I didn’t have to think about it. There were so many things in my life. I couldn’t control, so I controlled what I could. My schedule. I never succumbed to the stress of overcommitting. I thrived.
It became a challenge to juggle it all, but I’d soon find a rhythm. But rhythm, wasn’t what I wanted. Rhythm may not have an “S,” but “S” sure liked to come by when I was idle. So, I added another ball, and another, and another. Soon I noticed the same “color” balls kept falling into my hands – theatre, academics, politics. I wanted to come into contact with these more and more, so I further narrowed the scope of my color wheel and increased the range of shades of my primary colors.
Life became easier to juggle, but, for the first time, I didn’t add another ball. I found my rhythm and I embraced it. I stopped running away from a single “S” and began chasing a double “S”—paSSion. Passion has given me purpose. I was shackled to “S” as I tried to escape the confines of the traditional familial structure. No matter how far I ran, “S” stayed behind me because I kept looking back. I’ve finally learnt to move forward instead of away, and it’s liberating.
“S” got me moving, but it hasn’t kept me going. I wish I could end here, triumphant and basking in my new inspiration, but life is more convoluted. Motivation is double edged sword: it keeps me moving forward, but it also keeps me from having to look back. I want to claim that I showed courage in being able to turn from “S,” but I can’t.
Motivation is what keeps “S” at bay. I am not perfectly healed, but I am perfect at navigating the best way to heal me. I don’t seek out sadness. So “S” must stay on the sidelines, and until I am completely ready, motivation is more than enough for me.
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